WHAT AM I FIGHTING

Wow, as I am walking through what seems to be the longest valley, trial or you may call it the shadow of death.  He is teaching me to fear no evil..

Ps.23. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thy rod and staff they comfort me. Here is where he meets me..

All I Knew of me was from a shadow of who I really am. It wasn’t the real me.

Shadow. In short, the shadow is the “dark side”. Because it tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of ones personality, the shadow is largely negative.

So what was hidden in the dark I was even unaware of myself  why my life and why has played out the way it has. Here are some things He revealed to me.

When I was sharing with my worker some things she would say “Let It GO’. That’s how I roll. Not sure I’ve every been able to do that it first it made me mad. All I’ve known is the fight.  WE are never to give up. Well it sounds scriptural even though it was robbing me of seeing Him in my life and leaning on His strength. So where did I take this fight on.

This is the painful journey where He shined His light on my darkness.

Song of Solomon 1:5 Dark am I, yet lovely. He was wooing me all along the broken little girl was coming out of hiding and he was teaching her to trust him lay down her guard and fully be present to who He is and who she is in Him. Walls He brought down by love Himself sitting with me and letting me cry tears of anguish at times. What a beautiful exchange. My BFF would say its so beautiful what he is doing in your heart.. Well you do it then.. raw and real authentic, vulnerable fully alive passionate to KNOW and be KNOWN by HIM… until there is nothing left of me. Still my heart posture even when it hurts like HELL..I will praise HIM..

2 Cor 4:17 -18 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things seen but to things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things are unseen are eternal.

My life verse.

Job 13:15 Though He slay me, I will hope in Him, I will still defend my ways to HIM. I will walk in the ancient paths where I find you and my Hope is renewed, restored and established.

I grew up in a family where my voice was not validated. I will say my mom loved me and was in my life just wasn’t a part that I was connected to that released life, purpose and identity to me. She did as we all do the best we know how with the tools we have been given.  Sometimes what life throws at us. As I began to get in touch with the lies I have been believing the veil was being lifted.

My parents got divorced when I believe I was 5. I was confused why this all happened. All I knew it left a deep wound in my soul who was going to tell me who I am. You just taught me men are cold, no depth and leave without explanation.  Who would protect and value my heart. WELL she sought for that voice of a male (father) all her life. This is what was in my heart that was so hard to look at. Apart from the Holy Spirit the painful exchange would not be possible.

Anything He asks of us will not be easy it will be impossible here is where He joins the dance with us so He can lead show you the impossible will make it possible only THROUGH Him it will be established in your life. “One promise at a time”

I remember being latchkey kids. My mom worked two jobs to support us so we were left alone a lot. I’m grateful for my moms sacrifice’s  and I know she did her very best.

Here is where it gets hard. I was taking advantage of young several times. Even though I expressed it to my mom I was never given a voice to go into my pain and give it expression to release the trauma I had experienced. Buried emotions don’t heal they arrest you and hold your life in a prison to there effects on your heart impressions that now feed your soul. The mind, will and emotions. Now as a adult I still see the patterns I learned to cope with what was lurking in the shadow’s. I then was left felling unnoticed in my own home. invisible in relationships. Always in a fight to be seen or heard my foundation was ripped out from underneath me. All my life since I was 19 I have sought to know the truth. At a young age He  encountered by His love. So why did it take so long to see the depth of my wounding’s. I believe the secrets we keep affect us and our families if we don’t face them we repeat them with no hope of escaping the patterns we call normal. I was drawn to what I believed I deserved and fought to keep it when I got it into a relationship they were all toxic and codependent. It would look like this I pursue they withdraw. Unavailable emotionally as I see the pattern in my own life. The process of healing is so worth the journey.  You owe it to yourself. “Heal the child the adult will appear”

So my life played out looking for the man that would rescue me. Let me let my guard down to let the real painful me be seen. I married a man I believe I loved with my limited ability. He was a pastor and I felt he would have all the answers. He had his own set of fears. Nope..

I brought into the marriage my own baggage. Lets just say this was a duplicate of my childhood drama lots of feelings of abandonment because you cant give what you yourself don’t have. We both did the best we could. We pastored for many years and God did some things in our lives after many failed adventures in ministry, business and life I had become a voluntary victim in all my relationships and called it loved I had endured enough I was done wearing the happy mask. Facing a divorce I just wanted out of dead marriage I felt lost and unseen in I endured because after all we are Christians. NO we don’t. The pieces began to fall apart what I called life.  I was a stay at home mom faced with getting a job and raising my girls on my own. Alone scared little girl squared her shoulders and moved forward drank the cup she had been given of shattered dreams.  making a promise to myself not to get into a relationship I set out on the path to get healing. WELL that lasted every bit of 2 months.. Out with the old in with the new relationship. He was quite funny, tender and loved watching him in the leadership role of the church I was attending. We started talking for hours. It was two broken little children exchanging there pain with each other. It was our similarities that brought us together. He did see me and call out things in me. Wow finally I was seen. The broken little girl found connection with another broken little boy. Lets just say we had some horrible years of pain, We called marriage. The little girl cried for help still no one heard her she suffered in silence not feeling valued, safe felt powerless over my own life because I would give and give as a martyr and then be mad because it wasn’t reciprocated. What a lonely place to live. Always feeling alone.

Moved into the other room to create distance thinking that would help. Wrong it only created a deeper disconnect between us. It was a place I called the “Haven of HOPE” gave me space to seek my own healing journey me and God. I read a lot and sought out truth. The more I grew the deeper the cavern between us grew I wanted him to see all I was learning and connect. It was me trying to play the Holy Spirit in His life so I could feel valued and connection. It only made things worse. He wanted me to except him for where he was I now see and he was facing his own losses and I offered no emotional support. When we are consumed with what we are owed we don’t pour out. I will go on record to say this Michael is a loving man and loved me I was so wounded it was hard to see. He did his very best and took me and my girls in and we all still love and appreciate the years he sowed into us.. I couldn’t see he was drowning. We both endured so much pain till the marriage ended. I thought life was over. It was just beginning for me.

I remember reading a book called “The Sacred Journey”, By Brian Simmons. I would go to Mike and say what you say is not. Not a smart move.. women stay in your own lane seek for your own healing. I was becoming awaken to His love like I had never seen.

Nobody had ever taught or modeled love like He did. Still needed to see it in action.

There was one man I knew was constant in his healing journey and I loved his heart for truth, God, wife and family. I listened to his teaching on the Orphan heart over and over till I owned it. He Is my father. He took this message and lifted my eyes and heart  to see HIM as my father. His teaching “Healing the Father Wound” a must by Mike Rizzo.

He is the beacon of hope I draw from. When we let go and let God He will lead us and guild us into all truth. We can be seen by a loving Father I will say He is the beginning and the end. When we seek Him we will find Him and find rest for our weary souls. As I continue to heal I see Him rising up on the inside as the voice of the bridegroom King is all she  Bride longs to hear. Full of purpose alive to Him the indwelling spirit within she makes healing look possible.

Who wants to partake of His divine nature its a narrow road few find it. Lets keeping throwing off every weight that so easily besets us and run with endurance. He has us Live before all the saints that have gone before us the great cloud of witness and ALL of Heaven cheering us on WE WIN..

His Bride throughout eternity. I hear the Heavenly sound.. DO YOU?